FOR ME...Revisited.

I have really felt the need to re-visit an old post but have fought that feeling for a few days. I don't think I can fight it anymore. I was thinking the other day about how Mike and I were about ready to give up! In August, we decided to try one last time to get pregnant. If it didn't work, we would apply for an IVF grant and then wait until we knew the time was right to adopt.

Mike and I have CONSTANTLY visited the idea of adoption. Every time we talked about it, and prayed about it, we knew it was not the path we were supposed to take at that time. For some, that may have been a comfort but to us, it may it even more difficult to understand why we couldn't get pregnant. Every time I started to feel that way, I would revisit my post from November of 2008.

FOR ME~ November 2008

After a rough night for Mike and I, as he went to take his mom home last night, I found myself at the edge of my bed, face soaked with tears, in prayer. Mike and I have questioned the direction we should go lately with the many obstacles in our life. I was deeply pondering on one of those items, frustrated that I had not felt that I had received an answer. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I questioned the decisions I had made, although they had been made prayerfully. I was wondering if it was time to just give up on this certain trial.

Don't we all feel like that at some time or another? I have felt this way several times, especially with this particular trial. As I prayed and asked the Lord to give me the strength to accept whatever answer I was given, and to be able to recognize that answer, I expressed how I felt I could no longer continue in the direction I had been guided and that I felt it was time to "give up". As I finished my prayer, I felt comforted that no matter what, I would be able to handle the answer I was given.

As I read my scriptures later that evening, I was drawn to a scripture I had actually read several nights before. I kept trying to stop myself from reading it, but for some reason, when I would start reading the verses I had planned on reading, my thoughts and eyes were drawn to this other scripture. I would like to share this scripture. Not something I normally do but since so many of us often want to give up on the plan the Lord has, and since it touched me so deeply when I finally read it, I am going to share it.

Alma 26:27"Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold the Lord comforted us, and said: Go (insert where ever your trial is, etc (the one in Alma is teaching the Lamanites))...and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success."

What a comfort this scripture was to me last night. Although I must admit as I was typing it I realized the key is to bear with patience. Although, 7 years is pretty patient I don't think I have a patient attitude.Trials are the entire reason we are here on this earth. I have been taught that from such a young age. Many of us have. Then why do I (and maybe others but nobody else I know) always sit there with a why this, why me attitude? I know that when something happens to me I ask why this, why now and so much more. Or when you think you have finally overcome a trial, only to find you have farther to go...How many times have each of us thought "Why would the Lord finally give me such and such only to such and such to me?" Really, is that the attitude to have?

I remember about a month ago there was a Sunday school lesson and the question was does God do things TO US or FOR US? This entire experience, while not yet over, has made me take a step back and think about that. This particular trial (of which many of you are aware) has brought Mike and I closer together. It has made us feel grateful for the things we do have. We have been able to help others around us and make new friends that we may not have been so close to without this trial to share. So really, while it is hard for me to see at times, this trial was done FOR US. I guess I just needed to remember that. So the next time I start thinking that the Lord is asking too much and that he is being unfair to me, I really hope that I remember last night and the scripture that I read, the way the Spirit touched me and let me know that this trial is part of Heavenly Father's plan for me, that he does love me and if I am patient, obedient, and endure to the end, he will "give unto me success".

Now it seems so long ago that those feeling of hopelessness were surrounding us. I am so grateful for this trial in my life because it brought Mike and I closer together, strengthened our testimonies and so much more. It has been AMAZING journey. One I would never wish on anyone else, but one I would never change even if I could in my own life.